When do you no longer "know" someone?

My best friend and I have known each other for 20+ years and when I see something that reminds me of her, I always buy it for her.  I know what style of clothing she likes and what sort of shoes are her style. I know what kinds of food she eats and what kind of wine she drinks.  I usually know what her advice will be even before I ask for it.  I even know what ailments she suffers from.  I think she could probably say the same about me.  We talk almost daily, so I feel like our knowledge of each other is pretty up-to-date.  

Right after my divorce, I lived with my GBF (gay best friend) and because he was also recently out of a very long-term relationship, we often called each other our "replacement spouses."  I knew how he preferred his eggs and what kind of ice cream to buy at the grocery store.  I knew that if there were brownies baked when I got home, it meant that his heart had been broken by some loser.  I knew how he preferred the towels to be folded. I even knew about all of his allergies, including the ones to certain medications.  We no longer live together, or even in the same state, but we talk occasionally and he visits Atlanta and I visit Jacksonville and we catch up on our lives and when we hang out, it feels like no time has really passed at all.  

When I was married the first time, I felt like I knew EVERYTHING about my ex....and I basically did. We had shared childhood and teenage memories starting from the 6th grade on.  If you asked him a question, I could (and usually did) answer it.  Even after we divorced and he was living with a mutual friend, I could entertain that friend by guessing my ex's answers to questions or predicting his actions.  But, it's been over 4 years since our divorce.  We are both remarried and living completely different lives than we lived when we were together. We never speak.  I only hear about him and his life through our mutual friends. 

So, here is the incident that started my thoughts on the subject of this blog:

My ex-husband and his wife recently had a baby and I had a tree planted in Israel in honor of the baby.  His new wife sent a Thank You note via e-mail.  In this email, she used the word "we" and made several statements about the things they value and their interests in advocacy and a few other things that I would not have considered to be true about my ex.  I, immediately, forwarded the email to my mother, my best friend, and another mutual friend of ours and wrote something along the lines of, "Who is she kidding? He doesn't value those things!  When has he ever had any interest in advocacy?"

Now...I'm telling on myself here.  I'm showing you my gut-reaction and admitting that it wasn't a nice one.  I felt that she (the new wife) was trying to "pull one over" on me (the old wife) and was describing someone (their "we") as if half of that "we" wasn't someone that I knew better than anyone else knew for over a decade.  I really assumed that she must think me a fool if she expected me to believe the statements in her e-mail.  Over the next few days, I started rethinking and regretting my gut-reaction and my quickness to negate the statements she made in her e-mail.  Maybe I am right and maybe he really doesn't care about those things, and she's just using the "we" pronoun to describe herself...but maybe he's changed.  Maybe she's introduced him to new thoughts and new causes and new ideas.  Maybe he's different than he was when I knew him. Going through a divorce is transformational. I know that I am different.  I know I've changed quite a bit over the past 4 years.  He doesn't know me anymore either. Here's a silly example: I know for a fact that if you asked him if I like salmon, he'd tell you that I don't.  But, guess what?  Now, I do!  I started eating it and really liking it about 6 months ago!  Also, I'd be really angry if my current husband's ex-wife assumed that she knew him better than I know him.  Yes, they were married for longer than I've known him, but he's grown and changed too.  I'm certain that I know the current him better than she does, so why wouldn't I give my ex's wife the same credit?

I'm not able to answer the question in the title of this post.  I'm not able to put a concrete number on the length of time it takes for someone to stop knowing someone else.  However, I am able to say that after several years, I can admit that I know longer know someone and that someone else probably knows them better now.  This has also made me realize that I need to make a conscious effort to continue to know my friends and family.  I can't rest on the laurels of our past time together.  

Once Upon A Time...

As a child, I wasn't the kind of girl to have princess fantasies.  I didn't ever have the expectation that some knight in shining armor would rescue me from my pathetic existence, whisk me off to a castle, and take care of me.  This could be due to a multitude of reasons, including, but not limited to:

Growing up in middle class suburbia, where my existence was far from pathetic and the only things I needed to be rescued from were my annoying little brother and boring Hebrew school classes.

AND/OR

Growing up with a hippie liberal feminist mother who instilled the expectation that I would be an educated hard-worker and be fully capable of taking care of myself and those around me, if need be.

AND

The fact that I'm clearly lacking the key gene that provides most heterosexual women with the desire to find Mr. Right and the ability to dream of their wedding day since age 3 and the gnawing desire to become pregnant, give birth, and rear children.

So, due to the above, I ended up growing up, falling in love with my high school sweetheart, going to college, buying a small condo in South Florida, getting married on a beach in Jamaica (just the 2 of us with no big hoopla), and living like the poor struggling young entry-level career people that we were.  We talked about the future and our plans to eventually upgrade our lifestyle as we advanced in our career paths.  We both worked hard and went to graduate school.  We earned our Master's degrees at the same time and he decided to pursue a PhD at the University of Georgia.  I got an incredible job at a nearby college and it was a huge stepping stone in my career.  By this point, our marriage was on the rocks, but we moved together to continue to work on growing and advancing our lives.  But, wherever you go, there you are.  Our marriage continued to dissolve.  I moved out.  We got divorced. 

At this point, I assumed I'd be an uber-focused career-woman.  I assumed that I'd spend my hard-earned money however I liked.  I assumed I'd have plenty of time to volunteer and plenty of money to donate to my favorite nonprofits. I assumed that I'd never re-marry and I'd be someone who had a life built around friends and their growing families.  I assumed that "crazy aunt Raychel" would be the one who always brought a new boyfriend to join the vacations at the beach or Passover seders or bar mitzvahs and weddings. I just didn't ever see myself settling down again. 

There is a great old saying: Man plans and G-d laughs.  G-d laughs quite hard at me...a big old belly laugh that might even end up making G-d snort and then laugh even harder!

Because, not even a year later, in rode my Prince Charming.  On one of our first dates, we discussed family and holidays and somehow, I lamented the fact that I'd had to work hard with my ex-husband's family. Years before, I had coined the term Cinderaychel and I used it to describe how I felt at holiday gatherings and special occasions with my previous in-laws.  I always wanted to help and impress and whatever other deluded sense of duty or reasoning I had and I cooked and cleaned and slaved and waited on grandparents hand and foot.  Right then and there, my Prince Charming re-dubbed me Raycharella and I kind of just melted.

Of course, I'm now a super busy step-mom who cleans, cooks, schelps, entertains, and works my tuchus off, but so does my Prince Charming.  We don't live in a castle, but he certainly treats me like his Queen.  Actually, the thing that inspired me to write this post is the way that I'm always saying that he "rescues" me.  Last night, we were leaving a basketball game and I realized that I had forgotten something back at our seats.  He ran back against the traffic of the growing crowd to grab them. Today, the chicken I was preparing to make for dinner didn't defrost in time and he suggested we go out to eat instead.  Those are examples of silly little things, but he's always there to get me out of a jam.  I know that I rescue him too and that's what makes our marriage so great.  We specifically do things to make the other's life easier.  He truly is my knight in shining armor and his chivalry is one of my favorite things about him.

That being said, I have several knights in shining armor in my life.  I have friends and family members who ride in on their steeds whenever I need advice or consoling.  I have plenty of people in my life who are happy to help me slay whatever dragons may be in my path.  My life is far from a fairy tale, but I like this storyline and plot much better.  Plus, I get to wear designer jeans instead of ball gowns and glass slippers!

New Year's Resolutions

I've recently noticed a trend towards hating on New Year's Resolutions!  Is it because social media has given us an outlet to talk about these topics and/or balk at tradition and/or create self-deprecating some e-cards?  Possibly.

I, for one, am not exactly sure into which camp I fall.  Part of me would like to balk and say, "We make them and never keep them, so why bother?" The other part of me would like to say, "Why would we shun an opportunity to set goals and work towards self-improvement?"  The latter half wins...if only for the sake of this blog post.

Here are just a few of the things I'm resolving to do this year, along with a little schpiel about each:

Resolution #1

Get our house to a "status quo" and instill the entire family with the expectation that it should be maintained.

P and I are messy.  I admit it.  I'm (probably, maybe, just a little) worse than he is, but I'm also better at cleaning up after everyone else! The kids are messy because they are kids.  Our daughter, A (10 years old), is the least messy.  She's great at organizing and putting things in their place.  She just isn't good at keeping it that way.  K (almost 15 years old) is slightly messy, but he is very amenable to cleaning and organizing when asked to do so.  N (13 years old on Saturday) has the messiest room and has been known to pay A to help him clean it.  He's a man after my own heart.  Hey, if you don't like doing something or aren't very good at it, hire someone who is!  That being said, I do have help from a wonderful woman who keeps me from being buried by an avalanche from the mountain of laundry that we create each week and the kitchen mess from swallowing me up alive.  I love this woman because she takes care of us and keeps me sane. If anyone needs a great Mother's Helper, she is always looking for a few extra hours of work!  But, we are still plagued by counter tops full of mail and paperwork from school, random "stuff" thrown onto the dining room table, shoes, backpacks, sweatshirts, cups, and other random objects scattered hither and to. Is "hither and to" really a saying or did I just make that up? So, I'd like to put some organizational practices in place and set expectations. "Hey everyone, here is where we put the mail and here is where your school stuff should go.  Backpacks and shoes should immediately go into your rooms after school. This is what the house should look like (without the mess just hidden away in bags and in closets and on top of the fridge because people are coming over)!  Let's all work together to keep it that way!"  All of that was said with a Mary Poppins accent, by the way.  "A spoonful of sugar" really does "help the medicine go down!"

Resolution #2

Say "No, but thank you for the opportunity" more often and not feel badly or angry afterwards.

I have recently learned to do the first part of this resolution, but I need to do it more often.  I severely need to work on the second part.  For instance, very recently, I did not accept a volunteer position working on development/fundraising work. Why? Because that's what I get paid to do. Instead, I offered to help with another aspect of the organization.  That felt great.  I'll be able to do something that really interests me, will fulfill me, and use skills outside of my career skill set.  But, I still feel kind of icky about turning it down and I'm concerned that they won't find someone else who is willing and/or able to take it on.  I'd like to work on letting that worry go!  Another example is a potential client who wanted to pay me an amount that I was not comfortable with for some writing/editing work.  I sent her my hourly rates and even offered her a discount, but ultimately, we were not able to work together.  It was my choice.  I turned down her low ball offer and I felt great for knowing "my value" but I hated having to turn down a client (especially one who was referred to me by a friend). 

Shameless plug: Robbins Nonprofit Solutions and Consulting loves referrals! All potential nonprofit clients get a 1-hour consultation for free and my fee structure depends on the organization's total budget.  Also, I will only let an organization hire me if I think that my work with them will lead to them raising a lot more money than my services cost.

Resolution #3

Walk 20 miles per week.

I'm saying "walk" but I might run, or jog, or even frolic.  I'm not following a training schedule and I'm not doing a race at the end.  Please, please, please, please, please, DO NOT ask me to do a race.  I DO NOT do races.  I'm just walking a lot.  I'm not counting the walks I take with Flash, unless it's a longer walk than usual.  I will (mostly) be walking on my treadmill and I tend to mix up the speeds and the incline.  This will not be my only workout. I may workout at the YMCA when I want to add weights or try a class.  20 miles a weeks seems like a manageable number and I promise to listen to my body, take rest days, amp up the miles when I feel great, and take it easy when I feel tired. Ok, ok...I'd like to do a half marathon, but no 5Ks or 10Ks. 

I'm proud to have a family resolution, a business-related resolution, and a fitness resolution!  

Oh, I'd also like to try and blog at least twice a month. Hold me to that, readers!

Happy New Year and best wishes on all of your resolutions!